copyediting

The Copy Edit

(n.) a stage in the editorial process in which an editor makes formatting changes, spelling and grammar corrections, and consistency improvements in a manuscript

         “I guess we should probably talk about moving in together.”

         “Yeah, it seems like we’ve come to that point.”

         “Yeah. It seems like it.”

         “So, you want to, right?”

         “Yeah. I mean, I think so. You never really know, do you?...You’re definitely gonna have to stop clipping your toenails in the bathroom, though. I hate that.”

         “Okay…Where would you prefer I did it?”

         “I don’t know. Out the window?”

         “That doesn’t seem reasonable.”

         “Neither does clipping your toenails.”

         “The entire universe clips their toenails. You’re the only person who doesn’t.”

         “Yeah, well, I’m just saying. Clip them somewhere else. I hate that noise, too. That clipping noise.”

         “You’re going to have to deal with the clipping noise, babe. I’m not going to stop clipping altogether.”

         “Fine. Just not in the bathroom.”

         “Fine.”

         “Is there anything that bothers you?”

         “No.”

         “Nothing?”

         “I don’t know. We haven’t moved in together yet. I can’t say.”

         “There must be something.”

         “I’ll let you know after we break up.”

         “That’s not funny.”

         “Okay, then, I’ll let you know after we’re married.”

         “Please?”

         “All right. I guess you could be a little quieter when you talk on the phone. And you spend too much time on the computer. And you should probably be nicer to your mother.”

         “Wow. I didn’t realize how cumbersome I am to you.”

         “What a fucking terrible idea.”

         “What?”

         “Accepting the whole package.”

         “Now you’re just being an asshole.”

         “Maybe. But I mean, you’re supposed to have substance. Who cares about the fucking toenails?”

         “I just can’t stand the fucking clipping noise.”

         “I understand. This is quite possibly a terrible idea, you know.”

         “Yeah, I got that.”

The First Pass

(n.) a stage in the editorial process in which the manuscript has been typeset and requires a number of changes, due to both the editor’s errors and the typesetter’s errors

         “This isn’t working.”

         “Oh, no? What makes you say that?”

         “Don’t get smart with me. You know as well as I do this is shit.”

         “What’s shit?”

         “This. Everything. We live in hell; we make no money; we never go out; we’re miserable. And, on top of it, you’re still fucking clipping your toenails in the bathroom.”

         “We don’t have any windows. Where would you like me to clip them? In bed?”

         “Fuck you.”

         “Look, all I’m saying is, you’ve got to give it a chance. Compromise, or something equally disagreeable to you.”

         “This is not my fault.”

         “No, it’s not. It’s obviously mine.”

         “Fuck you.”

         “Maybe we should think about getting separate places. Would that make you happy?”

         “I’m sure that’s just the ticket. Let’s give up our security deposit, go into more debt than we’re already in, and see what happens then. Fuck, let’s just buy a place while we’re at it. See how much the banks will give us.”

         “Well what do you suggest? Because I don’t think we can live like this.”

         “Maybe you could get a new job.”

         “I beg your pardon? Maybe I could get a new job? Fuck that.”

         “Well, fuck you.”

         “What we need to think about is a compromise. We need to think about a lot of compromises.”

         “Like what?”

         “Like, you shut the fuck up about me clipping my toenails in the bathroom, and I’ll shut the fuck up about whatever the fuck you want.”

         “Why don’t we just get a fucking dog?”

         “Well, what’s wrong with that? We like dogs.”

         “Fine. Let’s get a fucking dog. But I’m not getting one of those shit dogs that can’t swim. Fuck that.”